i'm lonely, unfortunately.
soul-shatteringly so.
it makes me feel more than pathetic to admit to something so ridiculous.
i can never say anything that i feel. i feel like people depend on me to be well--depend on me to be happy--i feel like my emotions are waaay too messy for public exposure...i feel like this makes me undependable as a person and as a friend--i feel like i'm so selfish that i'm completely unable to provide people with the support that they need, that i'm so hidden that i can't be there for the people i love the best. i feel like the things that i do with emotions when they're evinced to me are unhealthy and unhelpful for the people carrying them--i feel like i can't do enough, and so i don't do anything.
i'm afraid all the time. i don't know how to stop being afraid. sometimes i think that there is no way to stop being afraid--in general i think it's healthy to be afraid sometimes, because it means that you have things you don't want to lose...but i'm afraid too much--or it feels like i'm afraid too much. i know everything possible about protecting myself from danger--i know how to laugh when i want to cry, and how to judge what someone thinks of me from looking at them; i know how to grin at physical pain and how to hold up my head through embarrassment...but these aren't strengths, they're just means of coping, just means of pretending, ways to make other people feel comfortable so that i will be left alone, unexposed, invulnerable...
this way i know that it's me that's tearing me up; that's a good thing, at least, that i don't have anyone else to blame, because nobody gets close enough to hurt me, except people i know how to forgive. kind of. i can't even do that. always.
maybe i just have to commit to being better--maybe i'm all tied up with what i can and can't say, and there are other options, things i can do...i might just be better at doing things than i am at saying things, and maybe that's okay...maybe i just have to start listening harder...
