the best part is, that tomorrow i won't feel this way. in the grand tradition of making hell week a little more hellacious for myself, i've contracted a crush on someone who may or may not know i'm alive as such. "why am i such an idiot," and "who do i think i'm kidding," are two very good questions to come out of the situation as it now stands in my head, but i think the question that's most to the point is "how the heck do i keep a lid on things?"

i have a feeling of blank and somewhat terrifying inevitability about this one, like it's speeding toward a...well, beginning. this feeling too will probably be gone tomorrow, but right now, always provided he knows i exist, it's a sense that something is closer to happening than something's been before for me (way to construct a sentence there). it's probably not. but just for the moment, you know, let me dream... yes, in my branched velvet gown, i play with my--with some rich jewel. ahem. ANYWAY.

and of course i have to write this down, because whenever anything happens i write it down.

my sense that whatever happens shouldn't have any reference to whether i want it to or not is, i think, not unjustified. i mean, i have so much. getting what i want would be the extremity of overkill. i think that makes sense. also it's a bad idea to want stuff, i think. that's not so much the voice of chronic disappointment as it is the voice of eternal possibility: wanting gets one caught up in the simulacrum, when the actual thing is more painful, sweeter, just plain more interesting. what it is is that when you expect nothing, you have an opportunity to expect everything. which is pretty exciting. i mean, the possibility, however slight, that various godzilla flicks are truthful depictions of actual monsters is like that well in the desert in the little prince, if you see what i mean, the well in the desert, or the laugh in the stars...the rose in the cosmos...the lamb in a box (1. i put my lamb in a box. 2. i open the box. i don't know how the rest of that goes)...the taming of the fox... an actual jointure of theory and feeling, always exciting. anyway.

anyway. i'm not going to go toward it--him, taming, roses, laughs, godzilla, lambs--but i'm going to do my best not to run away, either. i should give blank inevitability a chance. kind of like peace, in the song, but significantly different in other ways.