there's no "i" in teamocil, at least not where you'd think

i've recently been living a life of casual elegance--that is, as close as someone like me ever could come to casual elegance. this casual elegance imparts a sort of relaxed linguic ornateness, a leniency about the state i'm in when i have to say what's necessary--there's less need within my words, i think.

what it is, is something like: life isn't continuously as hard as i'd always thought. i'm a person who tends to beat at the edges of what i'm capable of, which has the potential to sound medium impressive but is actually pretty pathetic, considering that in so many ways i'm capable of so little. but something in me's relaxed, recently. i'm capable of more than just ecstasy and agony; i'm capable of something that approaches calm.

a person can be wildly alive and never say anything about it. this is why i understand emily dickinson to some extent. i've always been wildly alive, feeling everything and feeling nothing and nothing ever happening to me. but this calm thing...it's weird. but i can accept it. because it's new--a new experience. i feel competent, i guess, which is definitely new...and seems like, maybe, a basis from which something can happen.

i'm not saying i'm not still stunted like a bonsai in many familiar ways, still, but, yeah. revolve, circumstances, revolve. i'm not sure what i want to happen--some of the things i've always wanted, i guess. something in me says it's better to have a few more gradations between up and down.

that's what it is: having these gradations will make things that are like the things i want more accessible to me. all i can do about achieving the things that i want is to ask for them, and hope that cosmic forces are listening. the things that are like the things that i want, on the other hand, i can be on the watch for. and the things that are nothing are gradually becoming more apparent.

the thing is that i have to act toward everything with the same conduct, or i'll end up in trouble--that's caution talking. but within that parameter, there's a well-mawed world opening. this doesn't make any sense; i appreciate that to an amazing degree.