oh god the blah blah.

the extent to which i'm actually not that normal of a person has been preying on me recently. i always kind of figured that just because we didn't talk about these things, it didn't mean that others weren't going through pretty much what i was going through...apparently, this isn't true, though. to some extent.

i've always thought, and i still do, that this stuff is a system of exchanges. there are a series of ways in which i can't take care of myself: financially, sure, but also just these other things, like going into grocery stores and food places--there's something about having to interact with clerks that makes me feel wildly uncomfortable. also i don't like cleaning, and i mean, really really don't like it. i don't particularly like it when it is clean--that is, i like looking at it, but living with it makes me uncomfortable. it looks like someone else's reality when you can see too much of the floor. and then there's these mood things, the anxiety stuff, the worrying. i've started doing this thing where i'll twitch violently when it seems like my brain's about to suck me into the vortex of...whatever that weird vortex is, the blank space that just gets fuller and fuller. i don't feel safe with people looking at me...well, sort of. that's not true all the time, really, and often not feeling safe isn't a terrible thing: there's a certain enjoyment in balancing on that knife's edge. "unsafe" doesn't connote "bad." not always, anyway, right? i mean, when i think about it, i'm scared a lot. but being scared isn't irrational. shit is going down. i don't mean that in the totally paranoid way--i highly doubt i've got enemies--but accidents happen, people get hurt and killed for no reason that one can understand...there's global warming, there are attacks, all the exciting accoutrement of modern living and living in general--and fear, as i've said, sort of, anyway, makes enjoyment stronger.

the balance is that with the freak-outs and depression comes talents like singing, acting, and writing (if this dreck could be said to spring from some sort of talent--and if i could be called a good actress, which my dad does, but come on he's my dad). my brain does patterns well, which means that i can do anything that requires analysis well, which is most stuff (except grammar and basic math facts). and i'm smart--i guess i'm pretty smart. i guess i'm smart. it sounds weird to say it, but i guess it's true. it doesn't matter much, except that for the things i want to do, it's good to be smart--it's fine to be smart without being very practical when it comes to singing and writing. just like for classical singing, it's good to be somewhat attractive, though it doesn't matter too much, plus it's okay if you're gigantic and somewhat overweight. it's good to be smart for other professions too, but not in the same way.

why am i attempting to think this stuff through? the answer is, basically, because, as i've probably said in here already, being in singing school is making me weak. i'm becoming an emotionally functional person, but this means that i have emotions as opposed to that i'm a pleasanter person to be around. i've been being a douchebag for the past months. i don't go into stores when there's someone around to go in for me; i don't cook unless i really want to...i don't pay enough attention to my mom...i don't provide support for anyone else.

is it because i can't? because i'm figuring stuff out and blah blah?

or am i just being lazy?