really really

today someone told me that there was a point, in their depression, when they sat on the edge of a fountain in the snow for two hours looking at a hot dog they'd bought but hadn't eaten. which is the saddest--and the funniest--thing i've ever heard, and it makes me feel so much better. i don't know why it's good to hear that someone else has gone through this--it's not just the sitting in one place, unable to move; it's the hot dog. because i've totally done that. not in the snow and not with a hot dog, but i've stared at food for lengthy periods of time before.

there are people around me for whom hearing my problems would not be a burden. i have no judgment, so i don't know who they are...but there are people around me who i don't have to worry about hurting by being myself.

this is what i mean: it's extremely painful, but i'm so grateful. i'm being rescued by some part of me that realized it was time to stop being so shut out from myself, so locked in. i can't leave the pain part unacknowledged, because the pain is important. when it hurts, it hurts like a bitch. nobody is more tired than myself of having panic attacks in theory class, though probably its teacher runs a close second. but when i'm not afraid or anxious, i'm happier than i've ever been. literally. i'm finally capable of feeling at peace--not deadening myself to the point of numbness with food or books or alcohol or movies. and though that means that i'm also capable of feeling really really scared...i mean, at least i can finally feel scared.

the point is, thank you, person who told me about staring at the hot dog. i really really appreciate it.