pontificatin'

it's always good to be reminded in an at least quasi-gentle manner of one's faults. for example, i am a hypocrite. i'm allowing the fact that someone else got something out of an audition i didn't get anything out of to get me down, and that's just ridiculous. i always tell other people (read: "pontificate on about the idea") that singing isn't really a competitive sport, and yet here i am getting all blah blah over something i really am happy about: i really really want my friends to succeed. hell, i want my enemies to succeed. their success makes trumping them eventually all the sweeter. that was mostly a joke. but i really really really want my friends to succeed. and their success has nothing to do with my failure. this is not new territory.

i've been getting away from the essentials recently, so it's just as well to be brought back to them: i'm not good enough. i'm not good enough, and that's okay. it's time for me to stop being over-rewarded for potential. it's good, you know, to know that i'm not good enough, because it fans the flame. i don't want to protest too loudly against selling out and losing my soul, because if i do do so eventually (or if i am in the process of doing so as i write), it'll be downright embarrassing to have some written record of my medium-youthful idealism staring me in the face-ooty. BUT it's not like i want to do that thing where you become some sort of barbie doll opera singer. HOWEVER, there is no need to continue at my current level of unprofessionalism. except for fear. and fear deserves to be looked in the face.

now, let's not assume a causal relationship here. the theoretical changes i am proposing have to do with a., a renewed attack on the weaknesses of my voice, and b., projecting self-confidence. but i don't think i necessarily would have gotten what i'd auditioned for if i had had both projected self-confidence and lessened vocal flaws at the audition. there's no need to assume that i did something wrong at the audition. i just wasn't good enough, or not right for the part. either way is acceptable.


i'm mid-struggle. i'm usually mid-struggle. i haven't tried taking a step back in a while. i've been ensconced so thoroughly in the middle of chaos that i haven't been looking at the larger picture--or maybe the larger picture can't become clear until 90% of its details are worked out in chaos. and with me, i never know whether i'm actually seeing a big picture, or just some exciting but delusional dream-picture. so i don't know if what i'm proposing is going to work.

i had a thought earlier: it's that i should leave the meting out of justice on myself to a higher power than myself. i mean, i don't know--i'm not sure about this. not that i honestly believe i can stop anything from happening to me if i make sure i pay for whatever i consider myself guilty in. it's the idea that nothing that can be done to me is worse than what i can do to myself. call me crazy ("willingly," may be the response to that) but it provides a certain measure of comfort to know that i've been plunging myself into the deep all these years, as hermia does not say.

and it provides a certain amount of comfort to attempt to break certain habits of thought because i want to sing better. it's not for myself; it's for my voice. talk about your disingenuous projects.

the point is that i don't have to feel bad about not getting that part. i wasn't good enough, or they didn't want me. either way is fine. and this leaves me free to be really really excited for my friend, as he deserves.