addendum to previous

i realize that when i say i don't believe in fighting for what one wants, i mean that in a pretty specific manner. it's a personal thing, and wholly dependent on the fact that i already have almost everything i want--and i so much more than have everything i need. the line between acting shakespeare and singing opera probably looks pretty thin to someone worrying about their next meal or their physical safety.

i mean, i've never had to fight for anything. society is designed to help pretty white girls with their problems. bizarre as it sounds, i actually have some limited, lame-ass, but possibly applicable quasi-firsthand perspective on this because of the experience with the d.u.i. the way the system treats you is not a joke. at times it can be almost intolerable. and i'm just talking about my stupid first offense d.u.i.--i mean, the d.u.i. wasn't a joke, but my sentence was light, the whole thing was probably about the easiest experience i could have had, all things considered, and still i got a feeling at times that i was being, like, ground down. either you do it their way, or you get further punished. and when their way is gross and petty and tyrannical, when their way is concerned with making you do things the way they say to rather than accomplishing anything remotely rational, you start thinking, okay, what purpose is this serving? and the answer is, it's turning you into what they want. and again, i'm talking only about my one, reasonably light brush with the law. what it's like if you actually get in deep trouble i can't imagine.

so i know, from being, however gently, on the wrong side of this, and from feeling how that feels, and then comparing it with my more usual experience, that i get treated better than i deserve. i don't have to fight for what i want; i just have to decide what it is, and about a million people are there to help me to do it, to tell me i can do it, to encourage me. strangers do not view me with suspicion or distrust--they go out of their way to help me--and it's because i'm white, middle class, and a girl. it's so damn unfair.

anyway, that's what i mean by not going for what one wants. the option of navigating the flow as it comes*, as i'm talking about doing so, at least, is a product of situation. i should never try to generalize. it just makes me sound like an idiot. ha ha, "never generalize."

and me having a temper tantrum about dealing with bureaucracy is kind of indicative of the fact that i am in this privileged position. at the first sign of things not being custom-fit to my circumstances, i get all blah blah and whatnot. of course, i have reasons. i do have reasons. within my circumstances, being condemned to take this class could have startlingly negative repercussions. and being me, i have to think that that's not unimportant. and as a universal application of some principle of cause and effect, there may be a lesson or something to learn here. but. the example itself, and the method of dealing with it, is oh so very circumstantial. i should have acknowledged that while writing it down previously.

*what is this, an entry about kidney stones?