what it mainly means is either that i've got to stop doing this, or start accepting it. i expect myself to control my longings because i don't have the courage to act on them...because longings contain danger, the danger of acting like an idiot, or hurting someone else...and i always felt that courting danger was self-indulgence. and self-indulgence means getting away from the source--the source of information, inspiration, etc. you can only find out what you already know from an event you create. this is why i'm willing to try everything that's been ordered at a table when dining out, but don't want to order myself. in some ways the demands i make on experience are really incredible: i do expect to find eternity in a grain of sand, if i keep my mind open and focus my attention to the degree possible. and that's why i feel like i've lived so fully, even though i've never done anything at all--i've been paying attention. compulsively.
but then she, or someone like her, comes along, and of course i don't know what to do. i don't know how to involve anyone else in my life, which is so private and so filled with my own observations. i'm so chock-full of myself that there's no room for anyone else. i want to fall in love--i want to openly, honestly, and hopefully, admire the most beautiful woman in the world, but i can't--i can't hope; it would be wrong. i can't want; that would also be wrong. it's not a question of self-control for self-control's sake; it's a question of self-control in the absence of any other viable alternative.
that's the crux of my attitude, isn't it: to hold on, until something better comes along. thus far it's worked, kind of. i always have to hold on for a long time, but when the something better does come, it's always wonderful, and i'm always alive to it, which is important.
oh god, the blah blah.
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