grape

what happens to a life deferred?

i'm not even angry. not yet. i'm not even that hurt. or not precisely. i mean, i would have been a different person if it weren't for the repressed memory crap, and even now that i kind of have someone to blame for all the pain, the waste of shame and choking self-loathing, the isolation and mistrust and self-abuse...i don't know. i feel worse for that dude. at least i didn't do anything--at least i'm innocent.

and i am innocent. i might have been weak or...attractive or something, but i didn't do anything to deserve what happened. if i was weak, i was born weak. if i was attractive, i was born attractive. i didn't do anything.

i feel worse for him, because at least i can take this out on myself. the fact that he couldn't, that he had to involve me in his issues, makes me pity him. it's hard to explain, but a thing i understand--and one i don't really live up to--is that it's the greatest of privileges to take care of other people. i'm not good at it, which is why i can understand it, thereby turning myself into a shining example of the maxim that those who can't, teach. but he couldn't take care of me. he had to hurt me to satisfy himself--and in the end that kind of satisfaction did him way more harm than it did me, whether he saw it that way or not.

of course it might all be lies. i might not be remembering anything. my psyche might just be desperate to close around some sort of solidity--push really any story into the void. but i think it's true. the attendant details might be false, but i think the memory is true. but of course i would think that, now wouldn't i?

whatever. the point is that i've been robbed of truth, faith, love, and my own body, but it doesn't matter that much. whatever brought me to this point has to be dealt with--and i'm grateful for the point i'm at. i wouldn't want to be anywhere else. whatever brought me here has to be a blessing--possibly in one major-ass disguise, but still a blessing.

although, yes, if you see a tall girl crying on bart, it's probably me. and it's not over yet.